Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is an effective and non-confrontational communication style.  It allows you to state your needs or disagreement in a way that reduces conflict and shows respect for others.

The three main communication styles are passive, aggressive, and assertive.

Here is an example of each communication style in a situation that could bring up negative feelings.

You're at a theater, and the movie is about to start.  You hear a cell phone ring, and the person in front of you answers their phone.  They're speaking loudly without any indication that they are going to end the call soon.  You feel yourself becoming angrier and angrier.  There are three ways you can handle this:

• Passive: Hold your anger in.
• Aggressive: Yell at them to end the call immediately.
• Assertive: Tell them calmly and respectfully that the call is keeping you from hearing the movie, and ask if they'll hang up the call.

Which option do you think you would normally choose?  Consider how you might feel before and after expressing your needs using each of the three communication styles.

Notice how in remaining passive, you miss the opportunity to resolve the conflict.

Tolerating situations that feel uncomfortable can make you resentful, which can lead to an emotional explosion similar to the aggressive example.  While this may resolve the immediate issue, you may wish later that you had expressed your needs in a kinder, calmer way.

Practice using at least one of the following assertiveness exercises three times this week.

Remind yourself that your ideas and opinions are as important as everyone else's.  Practicing being assertive means valuing yourself as much as you value others.

You may find it easier to practice this with someone you're close with.  Start by practicing your assertiveness in low-risk situations.  The more you practice, the more confident you'll become at your asserting your needs.

Practice using "I" statements – Centering your feelings means you can express your thoughts and needs without placing blame on others.  Some helpful "I" statements begin with "I'd like," "I prefer," and "I feel."

Pay attention to what you think, feel, want, and prefer – Before you can communicate your preferences, you need to be aware of them.  When someone asks what you want, notice if you say, "I don't know," "I don't care," or "It doesn't matter."  If this happens, take a moment to think about your answer some more, then respond with your preference.  For example, if someone asks, "Would you like green or red?" you can say, "I'd prefer the green one, thanks.”

Ask for what you need – This builds your confidence for when you are ready to ask for something more important.  Some easy ones to start with are, "Can you please pass me a spoon?" and "I need a pen.  Does anyone have an extra?"

Give your opinion – Say whether you liked a movie and why.